I'm not sure what people consider as Pain.
Pain could be hurting oneself, failing a test, emotional distress, a feeling of discomfort or just losing something important.
To me pain is losing something so special, so important.
I've lost things in life like my favourite bangle, Sammy the dog and even my grandma but my most painful experience is when I had a miscarriage.
It was a couple of months ago, one bright morning; my husband casually told me that he wanted a third child.
I laughed and asked why, and then he replied saying that he misses the whole baby experience, changing diapers, baby cries, baby shopping etc. so we decided to try.
I got pregnant eventually and had passed the "1 month mark" before I finally told my husband. He was extremely happy and over-joyed.
We started preparing and planning for new the bundle of joy on its way.
It happened a couple of days later, on one of those nights that Eric and I would have our long talks before we sleep.
I fell asleep before he did.
Suddenly someone was shaking my body and trying so hard to wake me up, I opened my eyes and I saw my husband's face, he kept on telling me "Honey, please don't leave me just stay awake" as the tears were running down his cheek.
I had seen Eric cry only once before, it was at our wedding so this meant that whatever was going on with me must be very serious.
I was wondering why he was telling me this entirely, he had never acted like this before so it got me worried.
I was too weak to move or even speak.
Then he picked me up in his arms and took me downstairs before I blacked out.
I saw of bright lights, several people dressed in light blue were gathered around me taking tests; I was obviously at the hospital, the lights, their scrubs and their looks of concern gave it away.
Am I going to die?
"Give her the anaesthetic" some said. As the drug kicked in, I blacked out once more with no hope of ever returning back home.
I woke up to a quick beeping sound then I sat up.
I was strapped to some sort of machine which made the quick beeping noise; it was probably a heart monitor.
My husband was sitting beside my bed and holding my right hand in his.
I immediately asked him what had happened.
He told me that while we were sleeping, he felt something as if the sheets were soaked so he rose up the duvet; he saw me lying down in a pool of my own blood before he started panicking and tried to help me stay conscious.
He dialed for the ambulance which showed up almost immediately.
He further explained that he had no idea what had happened to me so he was waiting for the Doctor to tell us what was wrong.
Our family doctor, Dr. Johnson walked in.
He was a friend of the family and was there at the birth of both our children.
He had this extremely sad look on his face before he finally spoke up:
"I'm very sorry to say that you lost the baby ..." I couldn't even listen to all the words he had to say when I broke down and burst into tears.
My heart wept for my unborn child.
It hurt so bad, you know the feeling when you've lost something so precious, so beautiful and so innocent that's how I felt.
The feelings that welled up inside were indescribable, probably losing a child is the worse feeling in the world.
I would never get to hold her in my arms.
I was devastated, pained and sad.
Eric tried hard to comfort me, he held me in his arms while I sobbed violently and shaking hard.
The doctor tried too but it didn't work.
After a while, I was able to calm down so I could let the doctor finish all he had to say:
"I'm also sorry to say that based on your test results, you wouldn't be able to have any more children."
At first, I didn't fully understand his words.
I was still trying to gather my thoughts but I just couldn't hold back any more tears.
My tears flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks.
I felt alone, depressed and broken.
I felt like a spoilt toy without any batteries.
I didn't feel like a woman anymore.
I was barren.
It hurt more knowing the fact that the only thing my husband wanted in the world I couldn't give it to him.
He had given me everything, all the love, clothes, shoes, perfumes in the world but now I couldn't give him another baby.
You probably won't understand, if only you've been through the same thing before.
It hurts even more when I remember how ecstatic he was about having a new baby.
At some point, I couldn't even cry any more I was just hysterical then I became silent.
With silence, came the pain.
I forgot about Eric, the doctor and every other thing.
The only thing I felt was Pain.
I've never felt so much pain all at once in my entire life.
It was worse than labour pains cramps or any kind of body pain. It just felt like 20 knives were repeatedly stabbing my heart.
After the pain was the loneliness, I felt alone.
That day was probably the worst day of my life.
It hurt so badly; I wasn't myself for a couple of weeks.
Eventually I became myself but the Pain never left, each time I remember I always cry.
That day I didn't feel like a woman, I just felt incomplete....
Written by Ewhomazino Otuorimuo.
